somewhere now and then

Here I am sitting on the floor, watching the invisible sun setting down, feeling my sit bones and drinking water, not wine.

I am arriving where I am, not where I am to be and I am realising how sick to expect things to happen constantly.

In the last days of this autumn, I am, like all the trees I can see from my window and the others existing somewhere on the northern hemisphere of this planet, dropping my leaves. I am not excited about the spring, nonetheless. I am not expecting to bloom and have flowers all of a sudden. I will need time and I promise I will embrace that I need time, this time.

Focusing on myself is not selfish. Falling in with the wind is not losing control. Besides, I am happy to lose everything that can be counted as control.

So many colours, so many adventures, in the past and in the future.

I do not want to get stuck where I am now because I am landing my thoughts to where I am, not where I am to be.

As long as I feel, it doesn’t matter. It means I am still alive, it means the leaves fading into the grass will be back someday.

Failing is not a disappointment. I will get better. I will fail better.

The hardest thing in this life has been existing despite myself, not because I despise myself, but because it was almost impossible to convey my thoughts to others. You know, it starts with coming face to face with your emotions.

Nothing has to be something. I do not want to be “someone”. I don’t live to utter some fancy hotel names in the middle of sentences just to show off. I don’t exist to compare my value to others, which is surely always discussable. I don’t want to insult people to just to feel in power. This is nonsense, this is against everything I believe in.

I need to clarify some thoughts, some feelings which I am becoming aware of recently. I know I need time and I promise I will embrace that I need time, this time.

Today was a fairytale when I was a kid when I was brave enough to fight against malevolent spirits exploiting my dreams. Back then I was sitting on the floor, watching our corridor walls, feeling my sit bones and trying harder to achieve. I achieved. I got it.

And now I will just continue to drop my leaves. I will let them fade into the grass.

I will drink a glass of water, maybe wine.



Then I will smile at everything I see around me. Because you know, it starts with coming face to face with your emotions. And as long as I feel, it doesn’t matter. It means I am still alive.