figuring my heart out

 

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I have always known if I do not accept a thing, anything, it will not release me. As long as I hold on to the same otiose pattern in my mind, I will not be free. Even if it once worked really well to keep me alive.

I cannot say so hard but I have been trying to accept a few things about myself recently. Because I am at the edge of a cliff and not sure if I want to move on like this, with this ache, with this weakness in my heart.

Rejecting help and support from others is the dead-end dragging me to that cliff. I deny everything you could offer. I deny your reality and go with my fictionality. I have been choosing what my mind is sermonizing me over your kindness, your generosity, your emotions and your efforts to relieve me. Not to guide, not to find an exact solution, not to make everything perfect but to show me a different path that I could never ever see. A path that allows me to walk the other way.

I have been so afraid of being wrong that I have built gigantic thick walls surrounding me. I am genuinely sorry if you have ever had to crash into those. I did not know how to ask you to come in. I did not know how to invite someone in. The only thing I taught to myself was sitting there, alone in the darkness of my heart, aching, crying, screaming towards those mossy, shattering, luridly tremendous walls. I thought if I ever let others experience the gloom that I had been growing here for over 20 years, they would have hated me. I did not want to be hated. I did not want to be loved either, or at least I was thinking I did not. Hence, I harked back to my saturnine unbearable attitude even though I did not wish to seem or be remembered like that.

I searched for a ray of sunshine to prove to myself that there was hope, there was love, there was enough. It was pitch dark. I can say almost in every attempt I failed and failing devastated me. But I could never see I had the courage to try and fail. I could not realise I was not miserable but making myself miserable. Being sad and lonely was a solution that I created to not deal with others’ problems, to not to feel defeated or disappointed, to not to put trust in someone who could hurt me in the end. Being lonely was my choice and it kept me alive until now.

Something has started to evolve inside me. I do not want you to run away with the idea that I am desperate; on the contrary, I am hopeful than ever. I will struggle, for sure, because I will face with tones of different emotions that I have been ignoring as I had that urge inside me telling that I was not worthy enough to feel hopeful, cheerful, alive, belonging to someone, to feel love. I kept everyone out of my walls so that they could not try to reach me to convince me the other way. I was so afraid my solution of being a lone wolf would not work at all.

The base of the problem was being in denial. I was kept saying to myself and others “This is who I am, do not try to change me.”. Is it so, really? How could anyone remain the same? How could anybody reject change while it is the one and only reality in this life? Am I being honest with myself? Can I be honest with myself? If my answer is yes, the change will start with acceptance.

Here I am, accepting the fact that I put every person that I love outside of my heart. I let them sit there and wait for me to come up. I accept that I was a closed book beyond your reach. Now, I am unlocking the doors, opening the windows, redecorating the walls.

I am healing my heart.

Thank you for your endurance.