self-contradiction is better than self-destruction. here is why:

I love my life, I decided after crying for about 15 minutes. I do not want to share the reason that made me cry but I can assure you it was nonsense. It was not about my existence, it was not about my presence. I thought, then, I am what I am, just some energy floating in the space. I thought, I am putting so much more pressure on my shoulders than I need. What do I need though? That was the question to be asked. What is needing something? Because life is not about needing or wanting new jeans. It is not about planning your dinner before your breakfast. I cannot live through my dark and depressed future assumptions. I noted this after bullying MYSELF just for BEING a human being. Human being. This word means a lot. We are all humans and we are all beings. Sadly, we ignore this fact that we have beings inside us, the energy existing in our veins. We focus on existing as a human so much that we are not so sure about the energy anymore. Being now. Being now. Being now. If not now, when?

This is not the enlightenment I wish to happen to me because this only creates more and more contradictions inside of my brain! One moment is okay when the other is just torturing me. I am getting more complicated than I am supposed to be. I know life is simpler than we think. I know life is all about cooking something good for you and chatting around a table. Life is simply enjoying everything that you can accept. You should accept. I should. This is the hardest thing to do. Denying, trying to change, trying to make the situations work for you, these are our habits, aren’t they? We were born into this system. We were taught this. You need to work hard to achieve anything you want to be. What is that though? What do you want to be? Who do you want to be? Why? I am not willing to do this anymore. I am not willing to stick to my plans and my predictions about anything. I just want to focus whatever I have NOW. My life is about now not about 5 years later. How can people be so sure about themselves when it comes to their future? They bloody cannot. We need to get rid of this illusion of having a BETTER life. It will not happen anywhere or anytime unless we fix our way of seeing the whole picture.

Saying all these is the easy part of this story. But once you start to figure out that your thoughts are intentionally focused on material things you yearn so much, you see the truth behind your mind. It is a construction, it is an illusion. So much sadness, guiltiness, failure. What is the point of thinking all about these? What is the point of living in the past or in the future? These are the questions I have been keeping asking myself since the day I realized I am the one fooling myself.

 I do not want to be a part of this kind of mad world while I have a whole flawless universe inside me. Wanna join?