what am I doing with my life?

In the past couple of years, I was always so pissed off at the universe for not giving me enough time to do whatever I REALLY wanted to do. Even you, as someone who sometimes reads this blog, could know that I was a complaining and resentful asshole who was sad and angry all the fucking time. I had really a monotonous schedule drifting me between home and work and I was thinking then "Oh, unholy fucking Lucifer, this is not the way I wish to continue to live my life!" Every day. Every hour. I was feeling terribly sad about not doing anything that could make me happier. The thought of sparing more time for MYSELF had always been there even though I was not sure what the hell that meant. ME TIME. What is it really? What is ME TIME? What did I want to do with the time given me to do anything? Was it getting up late? Was it not leaving home? Was it doing yoga all day? Was it learning Japanese or traveling somewhere I had never been? What was it? What did I want to do? I FUCKING DID NOT KNOW but I just desperately kept asking for MORE time to spend just for myself.
When I had a nine-to-six job, I was doing yoga just after I arrived home. I had to cook. I had to watch some series I liked. I had to clean the house. I had to read some books or magazines. I am saying "I had to" because I had something that was urging me to act for my soul, not for my body or not for anything materialistic. Because, when you spend most of your time at a working place, call it office or anywhere, you start to become someone you would not appreciate. At least, that was the case for me, I was becoming someone else slowly, I was thinking,
I still can relate with the mindset I was in those days because it was really hard to do anything. I was feeling that I was wasting my youth and my time just to earn some money that was not even enough to do anything because of my country`s fucked-up economy. So, what was the point? What was the point of living like that? I had nothing to do but complaining and getting angry at the situation. Every morning I got up to get on that insanely crowded train was a torture for me even though my job did not suck at all.
The solution I came up with was of course leaving. Leaving every fucking detail behind and starting from the beginning somewhere I had no idea. I did this. I moved to another country. I changed my job. I started over. I was so happy that I would have enough time to do anything with even more money. Finally, I was thinking, I would manage to discover who I really was.
Yeah, I did have a lot more time. I did whatever I wanted to do. I worked less though I cannot say I was less stressed. But I did not do anything different, you know. I got home from work, I cooked, I watched something, I did yoga, I hanged out with my friends, washed my clothes, washed the dishes, read some books. Everything was the SAME except for being compulsorily at the office. So, I learnt that even if I had been given time, I could not change anything at all.
And now, all the plans that I made, all the ideas that I had are gone. All GONE just to return to that fucking 9-6 job in another fucking country. HAHAHAH. You see, I am just a confused young adult who has no idea what to do with her life.
One thing is certain though. I would have regretted if I hadn`t left my country to start over. Maybe I couldn`t change anything about my free time activities (LOL) but I have discovered so much about myself and I have taken big steps to show myself that I am BRAVE. I am so happy with the place I am at today. I do not exchange any of these experiences with any title or any job. I, therefore, have decided to give another chance to myself for a more settled life.
The future has never been so ambiguous, friends, and I hate it with all my heart. I hate ambiguity. I hate everything blurry.
But as my father said once, life is all about ambiguity and taking risks over this.