the madness we are in

Hey dudes,

Last week I posted something veeery negative about my terrible mental health status because I was having an existential crisis (I guess). I cannot work due to the corona virus alarm in Vietnam, all of the schools have been closed since the beginning of February, which gives me more and more anxiety about ANYTHING, and last week I was at the top of the anxiety level bar. I was thinking about my future, thinking about my financial status, about my current job and the city I lived. (Think too much and gain nothing, really.)Nevertheless, at some point, I thought I had needed to conclude this chain of thoughts by the most difficult way. It was painful and I was, sadly, too harsh on myself but you know what they say, it`s always darkest before the dawn.

This week, as opposed to the last, I feel more refreshed and much better. Have I stopped thinking? No, unfortunately, not yet but I have gained a perception that can make me realize why I have suffered that much: I am not in the present moment. When you do not bother yourself with your huge plans or future issues, everything gets easier and smoother in your life. So, I decided to apply mindfulness to my days, one more time. Beware, this is not the first time I am trying to be mindful about the present moment I am in. I have tried to continue to do it, yet I failed many times. That does not mean that I should give up on that because I am a damn worried incurable mad person (oh my Satan, do I really see myself so?)

I kept noticing where my mind was going when I was busy with a daily errand such as washing the dishes or even peeing. It is extremely astonishing to see what my mind produces and to witness it NEVER STOPS. That was the painful part of the process, I gripped, that was the main reason my skull was aching. I sometimes even laughed out when I realized what my mind spread over in front of me. Especially the negativity it forced me to be in was more than I guessed. If you are able to see and accept a fact, it is then less complicated to solve a problem it causes. I did so. I saw what was making me sad and I accepted it by my own realization. IT WAS MY MIND. The problem was my thoughts! The way I thought was the base of my suffering. My approach to people or to situations were making everything more complex, difficult and painful. I didn`t know I could change this. I didn`t know I had the power unless I started to see the inside of my brain.

I am not completed by my thoughts. They are wild and they can hurt me if I do not know how to stop them. I need to learn to tame my mind. I need to discover what lies beneath my thoughts. I need to discover what is really like being me without any words or any external factors.

I am trying to be mindful despite my mind. That is the best sentence to explain the cure of my madness.